I find myself saying that a lot lately.
Not in the "annoyed-taking-the-Lord's-name-in-vain" way, but rather in the quiet "oh-I-need-you","I'm-breathing-you-in", "please-hold-me-up" type of way.
What's been going on lately?
One word: change.
So much change. So many new things.
New, new, new.
In the midst of all this newness and change I am trying desperately to cling to the same, steadfast, holy God that I know... but even He feels different.
Dare I say....stale?
I'm feeling kind of like a dry and thirsty desert plateau right now.
And this is a problem for me....a very BIG problem.
All I want to do is run and jump in a big, cold Jesus puddle and soak for eternity.
I want to go where God is moving and pouring out revelation and I want to be fed.
I want to be a part of a community that equips, trains, and pulls me closer to God and out of this plateau.
I want to be lost in God's presence rather than a mountain of school work.
I want to be able to read and understand the word, dissecting it piece by piece to hear God's voice.
And I simply can not figure out why I am here.
Because a lot of times, it's sure not where I'd like to be.
Please forgive me if this sounds like I'm whining and complaining.
If it helps, just imagine what God feels like when I tell Him this stuff All. The. Time.
But on a less whiney note: the other day I went to visit my sweet friend, Mikayla. We've known each other since we were in diapers and I am eternally grateful for the bond we have. She's one of the most incredible women that I've ever come to know and her love for God and His children is contagious. She interns for a ministry called Break the Grey and lives in a house with like twenty other interns.
After an evening of gabbing and driving around Fort Wayne, she and I sat in her closet, trying to get some peace and quiet to talk.
As I began to share my heart and frustrations with her, she pulled out her bible and flipped to Hebrews 11...a chapter God has been taking me to for weeks.
It's a chapter about faith.
Really big faith.
You should take a minute to go read it.
Seriously...go. Read it. I'll even make it easy for you. Just click here: Hebrews 11
Last week my boss read that chapter to me and said, "What would verse 41 say about you? By faith, Lauren.....what?"
And as we sat in that little closet, as melodramatic as it might seem, God started to show me exactly what verse 41 would say.
By faith, Lauren left her family and friends and followed God's instructions to go to an unfamiliar place for reasons she didn't understand.
By faith, she stayed and invested herself for a year, taking little steps of obedience throughout.
By faith, she returned to her home town, rented a house, and did as God asked her to do for a summer...even though it made no sense to her.
By faith, Lauren packed up once again and returned to a town that was not her home, even though that meant her desires and longings had to be put on hold.
By faith, Lauren took a new job that paid far less money for far more work.
By faith, Lauren is holding tight to God's steadfast plan even though she has no idea what it is.
As Mikayla and I talked she kept telling me I was Abraham and I kind of just shrugged it off.
Yea right. I've read Abraham's story like four times this week, and the promised land and Huntington are two very different places.
And then God hit me with this:
This isn't the promised land.
This is a process. This is the journey to the promised land.
Abraham didn't just snap his fingers to get to the promised land and receive God's blessing of countless descendants. There was a journey he had to step into first and he spent years pursuing God's promises to him.
Thank you, Abraham, for teaching me such an awesome faith!
If verse 41 were about me, I think it would end a little something like this:
"But, God has yet to show her the promised land. So, by faith, she waits...."
And thus concludes my therapy session for the week. :) I hope it blessed you to read this as much as it blessed me to work through this and write it. And I pray that you find your Mikayla, because life is a lot more fun and a whole lot more bearable when you get to share it with friends like her. :)