Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Tears, Fears, and New Beginnings.

Tonight I've been doing a lot of crying. And I mean A LOT.
I've known I was leaving to go to college for months.
I've know that moving to another state, away from your family and friends usually brings about some sadness/tears/heartache...and all that sappy crap.
I've also known that I wouldn't be affected by this, because, well, I'm invincible, like superwoman or something...or so I thought...

Everyone (and I do literally mean everyone) warns you of how hard the first few weeks away from your family will be. They say the cliche things like, "At first it's tough, but it will get better. " or "We're just a phone call away if you need anything!"

Even with warnings from everyone and their mother, I remained confident in my Tin-Man emotions, thinking I would just say my goodbyes and that'd be the end of it.
I'd call.
 I'd Skype.
 I'd come back every now and then to visit, but I would be so fulfilled by my new life that those things would just be for my few occasional bouts of homesickness.

Reality check.
I am sitting on my bed, surrounded by boxes of my stuff that I'm supposed to be moving with tomorrow.
I have yet to leave home.
I have been crying for two hours.
I am contemplating just not going.
I am already homesick.

Call me crazy, but it's just now dawning on me that I am leaving behind all that I have known for eighteen years.
Yea, I know...that's not that long...but when you're only eighteen years old, that's like an entire lifetime!
I will no longer be able to walk to my grandparent's or my aunt and uncle's houses whenever I feel like visiting.
I will no longer be able to drive around the corner and sleep at my sister's house, staying up until 3am, just talking.
(That's also because she is getting married in three days. Apparently, my family thinks it's fun to just bring on as much change as possible in one week. For those of us that are dealing with these unforeseen speed bumps called emotions.... (me)'s not all that fun.)
I will no longer be able to go into town to the bank and run into eight people I know along the way.
I will no longer be able to celebrate each of my friends and family members birthdays with them.
I will no longer be able to ask my mom for a back rub when I'm sore.
I will no longer be coming home to home-cooked meals, that I too often took for granted.
I will no longer be able to curl up with my puppy at nights or on cold mornings.
And I will no longer be able to spend my days working with the goofiest ( and most love-able) kids on the planet.

But, at the same time...
I will be surrounded by a community of whole-hearted Christians.
I will be able to rely solely on God to be my provider for all my needs.
I will learn to stand on my own two feet.
I will be able to figure out my identity away from my family and friends, who have defined me for so long.
And I will no longer be known for my past achievements and failures, my last name, or my reputation.

I have a clean slate.

It's the end of life as I know it. And the beginning of a much greater chapter...

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