The Holy Spirit and....me? (Part I)

I believe in the Trinity.

Father. 

Son. 

Holy Ghost.

And, while I'm a big fan of two of the key players of that triangle, I've never known-or, for that matter, really cared to know- much about numero tres in that equation: the Holy Spirit.  

I guess that just goes to show that God's plans are not always the ones that I would choose...

A little bit of background:
A few months ago I decided to go to this little conference called Urbana. If you haven't heard of it...look it up here.
17,000 college students and recent grads.
One week.
Break out sessions.
Multiple incredible speakers.
Worship in languages from around the world.
God.

It all adds up to an incredible experience.
But, I didn't know all this...and when I decided to go I was a little less than excited. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I decided to...
I'm not a big fan of big conferences.
I had to pay quite a bit of money.
I had to leave the day after Christmas.
I just wasn't that excited, I guess.
But, again, that just goes to show that God's plans are not always the ones that I would choose.

After driving through an incredibly rough winter storm one night and driving for seven hours the next day, I was sick and even less thrilled to be there than I had been before. I was with six other INCREDIBLE women (see the picture at the bottom for an accurate display of their incredibleness), and we went that night to the first session where the M.C. offered the disclaimer, "You will not leave this conference unchanged. The person you came in as is not the person you'll be when you leave."

Excuse me while I laugh in disagreement and mockery...
Ha.

They were funny.
Apparently they didn't know my circumstances.
Did I want God to show up and do dramatic and incredible things in my life?
Yep!
But He had never done so in the past, so God and I were on a strictly stationary basis in which neither of us did anything wild and crazy.
I worked really hard to be a good person for Him.
And we just loved each other...a lot.
That's it.

But, by day two things started to change.
I felt like I needed to take the afternoon off and not go to any breakout sessions, but instead spend some time in the prayer room.
I spent some time in the worship prayer room by myself, just praying and working through a lot of struggles that I've been facing for...well....pretty much my whole life.
And then I felt Him pushing me to the intercessory prayer room to pray through these issues with someone.

God was starting to get a little wild and crazy and I wasn't too thrilled about it, but I decided that I should probably do as He said. He had yet to lead me down any dimly lit back alleys, so I figured I'd be safe.

I went into the prayer room and sat down with a wonderfully sweet lady who helped me pray through a lot of struggles.
When it came down to the end of things I said something along the lines of,
"I know God is gracious.
  I know God is loving.
  I know God is here.
  But, that's the problem!
  I know all these things in my head,
  but that's where they stop.
  I don't feel God's love, grace, and presence.
  I will never reach what God wants me to be.
  I could give up everything and move to Africa to save God's suffering
  children,
  and still I wouldn't be enough.
  Nothing I do is ever going to be enough!"

This wonderfully patient and soft-spoken woman I had just unloaded on looked at me and said a few words that I will never, ever in my life forget,
"Lauren, I think maybe you need to repent of trying to be your own god."

Game changer.
Those few words struck a cord, and I felt the air leave my lungs as I marinated on what she had just said.

Stay tuned....this story is just getting good. :)