Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Holy Spirit (Part II)

Is it possible?
All these years, had I been worshipping myself instead of God?

Lets evaluate.

Did I kill myself trying to fit pieces of my life together?
Did I think that the things I did or didn't do would determine God's love for me?
In my head, no....but my life reflected a clear yes. 
Was I a victim of severe anxiety whenever I wasn't enough for a situation?
Did I secretly pride myself on who I was, where I'd come from, and what I'd done?
Unfortunately, yes....
Did I try endlessly to solve problems in my life and other people's lives in order to receive the glory instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to work in the problems and solve them for God's glory?
Ugh...definitely guilty.

This lady was on to something.

All of sudden the reality of this unrecognized sin I had been living in became all too clear and I doubled over in repentance before God.
How dare I.
All my life I'd been trying to make God look like me, when what I claimed to be doing was passionately seeking to look more like Him.

Tears came, my wind was gone, and all I could do was sit before God in absolute repentance.
God was so much more than I had ever even realized....or cared to realize, for that matter.
In that moment, and in these weeks that have followed, I realize how little I really know about God and how much I've made Him to look a lot like me.

One of the most sobering moments since that day at Urbana was when I was reading through Romans and came to Romans 9.  I know it's a little long, but read it. Its good stuff!

15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." 16 It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." 18Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. 19 One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" 20 But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' " 21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? 22 What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction? 23 What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory-- 

This doesn't sound like the God I used to know.
What happened to, "God loves each of His children the same"?
Would God- sweet, loving, Daddy God- really create men and intentionally harden their hearts just so that he could display His wrath??

I would have just skimmed over this verse before, but, I reread it. I study it. I can't get enough of it.
Finally, God doesn't fit in my box.
Finally, I can't answer a question about Him.
Finally, I can't speak for Him.
And finally, I'm letting Him speak for Himself.

And the answer I feel like He's sharing with me is definitely not the one I would have chosen.
I hear God say,
Yes, I could do that.
I'm God.
I'm perfect in all my ways.
I am Almighty and Sovereign
and what I choose to do is perfect.
I could create objects just to display my wrath,
and I can and will do as I please.
And while you're on this earth,
you will never understand my ways."

Box? What box?
This God is one that just blew the box to shreds and is preparing to reveal Himself to me in a new way.
And. I. Can't. Wait.

So, back to the prayer room at Urbana....
I now realized that all these years I had been my own god,
and that I knew nothing about who God really was.
I had repented and emptied myself before God.
And now that I had died to myself, I needed something else to fill me.

And fill me, He did.

Stay tuned! The cliff hanger continues...


  1. love it! it's almost like, the more we discover about God, the less we get him but the awesomer he gets. it's such a great adventure, isn't it?

    1. The BEST adventure I've ever been on, that's for sure! I couldn't have said it better. :)

  2. LOve your heart Lauren! and love that He is meeting you at every turn! this is major stuff so thanks for letting me and others in to your journey. loving you from Michigan!

    1. Thanks Jen! I'm returning the love from Indiana! :)


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